Thursday, February 17, 2011

Is Your Home a Haven or a Hellhole?

The blogger at Mormon Men has announced that he recently filed for divorce.

Having extended family members who are Mormon, I understand that this is a somewhat heavy decision not taken lightly, since one of the primary tenets of the Mormon church is people who are married, are married for eternity, in this world and in the next.

Given the quality of his blogging and his harsh introspection of himself and his own role in his marriage that brought him to this point, I'm quite certain he has come to realize he had no other choice.

Once you take the red pill, there is no going back to the blue pill.

One realization he came to in explaining his reaction to his decision really resonated with me:

The most persistent feeling I get however is a sense of relief: relief at having not brought children into this, relief at not having to be a punching bag any longer, relief at being able to come home to my dog and have my house be a haven instead of the place I have to be the most on my guard.

One point I frequently reiterated in my past posts regarding relationship dynamics, and the plight of the Average Married Chump, is for men to ask yourselves if a behavior you are engaging in is the behavior of a man interacting with his lover....or a little boy answering to his angry mother.

If it's the latter, than chances are you are living the uncomfortable and hellish existence of the AMC. As I wrote in The Primary Trait of the AMC: Fearful Dishonesty:

Take the old axiom to heart - honesty IS the best policy. If you can't be honest about something, than you probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place.

Are you afraid to come home and deal honestly with your wife?

Are you fearful of what you think will be her anger and disapproval if you tell what you're doing, feeling or thinking?

If this is how you feel, you are not living in a real home.

Remember the old saying, "Home is Where the Heart is?" That only applies if you relish being in your home in the first place. And that 'aint gonna happen if you live every waking moment in your home, fearful of upsetting your wife. Lying to her to try and avoid upsetting her only makes it worse, because even if you don't consciously realize it, you will hate yourself for living a lie.

Home is supposed to be your sanctuary. Your place to rest, relax, and recharge, so that you can get ready to go out and face the world another day...knowing you can come home and let your guard down and just enjoy the company of your family upon your return.

How can you do that when you're afraid of doing or saying something, and than having to deal with an upset tyrant of a spouse?

That is because you are not supposed to be under the dominion of her emotional state in the first place.

This is precisely why so many men work all that overtime when they really don't have to. Or why they always go to bars or clubs or buddy's houses to drink and try and forget the conflict, anger and disapproval they know they are in for when they walk through the door of their home.

I know, because I've lived it.

Things are much different for me now. I look forward to coming home every single day. I look forward to talking with my wife, seeing her smile, hearing her laughter, eating her cooking. There are times where we are invited to attend events and occasions, and I prefer staying home. Home is what you make of it, and the woman you choose to put at the heart of it.

Here's to Mormon Man finding his haven.


Omnipitron said...

Very powerful post and so very true.

Jet Tibet said...

Did MM try to run Game? And it didn't work?

Elusive Wapiti said...

Thanks for letting us know about this. I've left a supportive comment.

Anonymous said...

What was forged in love, is now cooling down... a favourite song line.

When you love someone and they let you down it's hard. But so much harder when they take your house, your children etc.

When your past breaking point, you have to let go and deal with it...good luck to the guy.

luvsic said...

excellent. I star a very high ratio of your posts in my rss reader.

Nikki M said...

I grew up in this kind of household and it's painful to watch, as a young girl, because you DON'T know how to relate to the man you're married to.

Since then, I've found my own way and thoroughly enjoy submitting to my future husband; much to my mother's chagrin. Great post! We may not share religion, but this is one point we definitely agree upon.