Of all the articles I've written for the Spearhead, my personal favorite is Avoiding the Fate of the AMC. For those who've not read that article, AMC stands for Average Married Chump.
This is because just about everything contained in that article is based on my own experiences and escape from that sackless state of pathetic beta-tude. I was the Average Married Chump, and I nearly became the divorced and broken chump because of it.
Of course, when I sit back and take stock of my life and the path I have followed, I see some things in a much different perspective than how I did when I was an AMC.
The biggest transformation I've endeavored to undertake is to live my life according to this Hawaiian concept called Pono. Roughly translated, it means righteous. It's become my favorite question I pose to myself when I'm confronted with a situation that requires a choice I have to make with regards to how I react or respond in my interactions with not just my wife, but with all people. What is the path of pono?
I've come to realize the key to this philosophy is total honesty...honesty tempered with discretion of course. As I wrote back in the AMC article for the Spearhead, while quoting Roissy:
* Do NOT be afraid of her emotional state. She is a woman, and emotional instability is simply how she is designed. As Roissy stated so eloquently in his The 16 Commandments of Poon:
You are an oak tree. You will not be manipulated by crying, yelling, lying, head games, sexual withdrawal, jealousy ploys, pity plays, shit tests, hot/cold/hot/cold, disappearing acts, or guilt trips. She will rain and thunder all around you and you will shelter her until her storm passes. She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you. When you have mastery over yourself, you will have mastery over her.
Striving to live an honest existence is one of the keys to self-mastery.
When I was an AMC, I was a liar. A dishonest weasel. I lied all the time. Most all of it was so-called "white lies." And it wasn't just in relation to my wife, but with my peer group, my work-place colleagues and school classmates...everyone.
This was because I lived my life afraid to upset other people. I tried to always find what I mistakenly thought of as the path of least resistance. To use dishonesty to avoid conflict. For instance, if I were invited to participate in something I did not care to, I would scramble for a convenient excuse -- A LIE -- instead of being honest and straightforward and saying, "no thanks, I'm not interested in doing that."
The real problem with that is when you spin webs of deceit, you eventually get tangled up and caught. It is inevitable if your whole social life is based on trying to avoid upsetting people by lying to them. And from the perspective of the woman you are having a relationship with, it is the ultimate respect-killer.
This is the path of beta-ization. You want to be an alpha? Than learn how to live your life with absolute, unapologetic honesty. As I wrote earlier though, being honest doesn't mean you have to tell everyone everything. Circumspect discretion is the easiest means of maintaining a code of living honestly.
One of the reasons why I'm writing this post, is because of an experience I had this past weekend caused me to ruminate extensively on this topic. A long time friend of mine is getting married, and Saturday night was his bachelor party. Several of my married friends attended the event. While we were socializing, I asked one of my friends (who I know is definitely an AMC) if his wife knew that he was at this bachelor party. Since he lives in fear of his wife's emotional state, and she obviously wears the pants in his household, I already knew the answer, but I pursued the line of questioning to try and help him see the error of his ways. He had lied and told her that he was going to a family members house. He was afraid that she would be upset that he was attending a bachelor party with strippers entertaining. I told him he should have been honest with her and came to the bachelor party even if she expressed disapproval and was upset. He looked at me with sheer disbelief and asked if my wife knew where I was.
I laughed and told him my wife knows exactly where I'm at and what I'm doing. He couldn't comprehend having a relationship like that. It's called unapologetic honesty. And my friend? He got away with his lie...until pictures from the party got posted on Facebook and his wife saw him. He's now in the doghouse and going through the hellish torment of being an AMC. The root of his troubles was believing that being dishonest would make things easier for his relationship. By operating out of the fear that his wife would be upset that he wanted to go to our friend's bachelor party, he ended up upsetting her far worse than if he had simply told her the truth and attended the party over her objections. I think he's currently sleeping on the couch.
Take the old axiom to heart - honesty IS the best policy. If you can't be honest about something, than you probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place.
15 comments:
A great summary of all your advice. I've been following this stuff for the last year or so and I have to tell you, there's been a big change in my marriage. In the end, the things that women (and to a large extent, men) respect is honesty, boldness and guts.
Please continue posting this advice. I learn something new every time I read it.
I think you're absolutely right, but can you please clarify for me how this does not contradict game?
I have been struggling with this issue for some time now. On the one hand, I find I am most confident, centered, and strong, when I am unapologetic about myself, do not fake myself, and am honest about my intentions, desires, and actions.
On the other hand, doesn't game say specifically that you have to "fake it till u make it"? Isn't that dishonest? Doesn't roissy repeatedly say you should not "be yourself" but fake yourself in ways he says will earn "respect" from women?
Isn't this a contradiction or a paradox? This seems to be a central paradox of game - that in order to win respect you need to be yourself, but game tells u that to win respect you have to act in specific ways that may not reflect your true beliefs/desires/intentions and thus be dishonest.
I am very curious about your views on this especially because you quoted roissy and seem to have great respect for him, yet roissy seems to be the apostle of the "fake it and don't be yourself" school of game.
Great stuff Keoni.
Betas live in fear of their wife/girlfriend's tantrums and sulks.
They reward unreasonable behaviour, so they end up creating a monster.
Thanks Toz.
Greg, funny you should ask that...while I was writing this post, I went off into a tangent addressing that exact topic specifically regarding "fake it til you make it." Upon re-reading, I realized that whole section was actually an entirely separate idea that actually had enough content to do a separate post on. So I cut out that entire post and started a new draft and saved it to finish up and post tomorrow.
Workshy, They reward unreasonable behaviour, so they end up creating a monster.
So true.
Ironically enough changing to the "honesty is the best policy" is part of what ended my marriage with my ex. I had lied to her so long to calm her emotional crap that when I got tired of the man I had become and decided to be honest, she couldn't handle it. In one aspect it was great that she left. I didn't have to pretend anymore and I had her out of my life. On the other hand, she took my four year old daughter, the light of my life, and now I have to go through a divorce with her in the middle. From what I've read here, at The Spearhead, and Roissy's site, among others, my next relationship is going to be vastly different and I pray worth the effort. Despite anything, though, i will not change who I really am for a woman, irregardless of looks or attitude.
What we need to do is put the heavy burdens of personal responsibility, individual sacrifice and perseverance and the ideal of rugged individualism on the slim, weak shoulders of women and let them walk around with that weight on for a few decades until they understand the weights and shackles men have to deal with in this life, and maybe finally they will understand why we don't ever want to put up with their shallow bullshit, bitching and constant emotional manipulation. The problem with women is that they have it to easy.
Fabulous post.
Personally I don't lie because that way I only have to remember one thing.
I link people to "Avoiding the Fate of the AMC" article at The Spearhead all the time. I agree it's an excellent one.
I'm completely honest with my girl about everything, and I don't apologize for it.
Righteous post, it is always good to review the basics. Educating people about this is so important.
I was just thinking about this topic after being shit-tested by my wife last night. Thing is, she pulls them every so often whether I did something "wrong" or not. Just recognize it for what it is, talk her down or ignore it as the situation dictates, and the results are amazing. I can hardly remember how different life used to be.
@LurnMan83
Sympathies on your divorce and daughter situation.
I've been using these approaches for several months, and my marriage is definitely improving. In marriage the trick is to get the right mix of alpha and beta.
Bhatzlaha.
@jon w: Absolutely. All women do it.
Doesn't matter if you're married to her. Doesn't matter if you've been with her for thirty years.
What's sad is that so many naive young guys either don't recognise the Shit Test for what it is or they hold out in vain for a woman who won't test them.
HL--
I wonder why you didn't link to the great compilation of your illustrations of how you run marred game on your wife over at Roissy's / Citizen Renegade's blog. It's a compilation that Roissy/Chateau did of some of the best advice HL gave in comments there over the course of a year or so.
It differs from the game advice above by instead of just giving principles, giving all sorts of specific paraphrased examples of how to react to his wife's shit tests, etc.
People can find it by site search the Citizen Renegade blog for "relationship game week Dave from Hawaii". (That's another handle HL uses some places.)
I direct people to it quite often.
Heh Doug...there's a reason why I logged into Roissy's with a moniker like "Dave from Hawaii" instead of "hawaiian libertarian" and a hot link to my blog. Dave is not really my name...but I do have a connection with that name.
Roissy's is a high profile site...and I don't blog for the traffic. I don't give a shit if I get popular or not. I've never checked my traffic stats, I've never considered adding blog ads or doing anything with this blog other than using it as an outlet for my thoughts and perspectives. When people respond and add their two cents or correct me, it's cool and I appreciate it...but I'm not actively seeking to gain wider exposure.
I didn't want to attract a mass of trolls of the likes that the Chateau attracts. I get a lot of grief as it is from certain folks for what I blog about here.
I'm fine with the people who find my blog through my "Dave from Hawaii" posts at Roissy's...but I don't care to reveal anymore personal info on my real life other than what I've already done over there.
Once Roissy compiled all of my commentary into that one post, I realized exactly how much personal info I'd revealed on his blog. Anyone who knows me in real life here in Hawaii would read that and know exactly who I am.
I prefer to try and maintain a semblance of internet anonymity because of the things for which I blog about here.
That is why I've never made a real effort to link this blog with my "dave from Hawaii" posts over there.
Great summary of all your advice. If someone follows your advice they could avoid women like the one described below
www.sabinaciminerofat.webs.com
The ironic thing is that most guys didn't wear an AMC hat when they first began dating their (future) spouse. It's an attitude that has since become learned. I've often wondered how or why men fall into this AMC state.
Most men in an LTR don't activity seek out drama. In fact, they work hard to reduce it, to paper it over--at least more so than do most women--and this leads to many AMC-like behaviors. Perhaps back in prehistory, tribes containing men who practiced emotional histrionics just didn't get the job done. It's harder to team up and fight off a waring tribe or take down a mastodon, if one cave-dude is emotionally preoccupied with how another cave-dude said his loincloth makes his butt look fat. Emotional tension between male members of a tribe likely made for a less cohesive, less trustful, and ultimately less successful tribe.
Perhaps some of that carries over today and explains why men tend to avoid stirring their wives' negative emotions. The AMC errs on the side of being agreeable (even when he disagrees) non-communicative (if his communication might provoke) or tells white lies (if it will avoid conflict). In the long run, however, this is opposite of what one should do. It certainly won't get one laid more.
Granted, successful LTR's require immense amounts of sacrifice and selflessness. I'm not saying every guy need be a disagreeable bastard. But a woman's negative emotional state isn't what it appears to be. Most women have an optimal emotional stimulation level that's higher than most mens'. Expressing emotion is cathartic for her. When you try to stifle it, work to avoid it, or resist it like a wet noodle, that's not very fulfilling for her. It leaves her dissatisfied.
When you stand firmly like an oak and let the emotional storm expend it's energy, then you're both better off in the end. You show the strength that she craves and respects; she feels emotionally connected.
...But I wouldn't recommend suddenly announcing you're going to a party in Vegas complete with strippers after you've been a married sack-less wimp for the previous 10 years. These changes must be made gradually and consistently.
Post a Comment