Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Feminst Satire

Things are going pretty bleak for me on the financial front...not good times for me in the current Obamageddon economy that is going to one day be looked upon as The Great Depression 2.0...I'm late on my rent, I'm faced with taking a pay cut or being laid off, and I'm filing for bankruptcy. Let's just say I needed a bit of humor to cheer up the spirits a bit today.

I just checked out The Onion for the first time today in quite some time, and I found a hilarious satire about domestic violence shelters that I think the MRA/MGTOW readers and bloggers could certainly enjoy:

No One In Women's Shelter Able To Cook Decent Meal

Despite having no other household responsibilities to occupy their time, none of the residents of the Cleveland YWCA Battered Women's Shelter can prepare a decent hot meal by 6 p.m., sources at the shelter reported Tuesday. "If it's not burned or under-seasoned, it's the same goddamn thing they made yesterday," said group counselor Devon Martin, who doesn't work all day long in the shelter's therapy sessions to microwave his own leftovers. "Without mastering this important life skill, these women will never be able to leave the shelter. It's not like they got anywhere else to go, anyway." Although records show the shelter houses more than 100 battered women, there is some speculation that this number may be exaggerated, as hardly any of the laundry bags left in the hallway get taken care of.

After having a good laugh, I decided to check out the archives and find if the Onion had other pieces making fun of feminism...

Here's a great one, making fun of the feminist's tactic of continually blaming "the media" for the problems of little girls self esteem: New Homely Doll To Improve Self-Image Of Young Girls

"While we still value our classic Barbie franchise, we understand the need for dolls that offer an alternative body image," Mattel CEO Robert Eckert said. "And that's why we've created Plain Pamela. She's drab, she's dumpy, she's nothing to write home about, and she's going to make the girls of America feel like beauty queens."

Added Eckert, "Relatively speaking."


Here's another gem, a two part point/counterpoint column about young American women abroad...

Point - European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American Men

I just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, and let me tell you, it truly was the most magical, amazing experience of my entire life. The French countryside was like something out of a storybook, the Roman ruins were magnificent, and the men, well, European men are by far the most romantic in the world....

...European men know the most romantic little cafés and bistros and trattorias, candlelit places where you can be alone and drink the most fantastic wine. They tell you what's on the menu and what you should try. (If it wasn't for a certain young man in Milan, I never would have discovered fusilli a spinaci et scampi.) And the whole time, they're looking deep into your eyes, like you're the only woman on the entire planet. What woman could resist a man like that? Then, after a moonlit stroll along the waterfront and a kiss in the doorway of their artist's loft, you find yourself unable to—well, I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

I'll never forget my magical semester abroad. One thing's for sure—I'm ruined for American men forever!

Ruined for American men? You don't say...many American women don't even have to leave the country, and they're already been ruined for American Men by the cultural zeitgeist and feminist brainwashing they've been subjected to for their entire lives!

On to the counterpoint:
Counterpoint - American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy

I'm a 25-year-old carpenter living in Rome, and I don't mind telling you that I get all the action I can handle. I'm not all that handsome or well-dressed, and I'm certainly not rich. In fact, my Italian countrywomen could take me or leave me. But that's just fine, because Rome gets loads of tourist traffic, and American co-eds traveling through Europe are without a doubt the easiest lays in the world....

...For dinner, I usually take them to some cheap little hole in the wall, someplace deserted where not even the cops eat. American girls think candlelight means "romance," not "deteriorating public utilities," so they just poke their nipples through their J. Crew sweaters and never notice that there's no electricity. Just as well, because Roman restaurants aren't exactly the cleanest. After a bunch of fast-talk about the menu, I get them the special, which is usually some anonymous pasta with spinach and day-old shrimp, and whatever cheap, generic, Pope's-blood chianti's at the bottom of the list.

By this time, they're usually standing in a slippery little puddle. Going in for the kill, I walk them past one of Rome's famous 2,000-year-old open cesspools. Then, as we open the door to my shitty efficiency, I kiss them on the eyelids so they don't see the roaches, making sure the first thing they see is the strategically positioned artist's easel I bought at some church sale. That's usually all they need to see and, like clockwork, they fall backwards on my bed with their Birkenstocks in the air.

I mean, they're hardly Italian women, but we have a saying here in Europe: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?


Here's another great one, Women Now Empowered By Everything A Woman Does
According to a study released Monday, women—once empowered primarily via the assertion of reproductive rights or workplace equality with men—are now empowered by virtually everything the typical woman does.

If one were to watch nothing but Oprah, The View, The Lifetime Channel and Oxygen network, it would be hard to make a case that this piece were simply satire...

Some of the empowering actions of the modern day Empowered America Women:

Shoe Shopping:

"Shopping for shoes has emerged as a powerful means by which women assert their autonomy," Klein said. "Owning and wearing dozens of pairs of shoes is a compelling way for a woman to announce that she is strong and independent, and can shoe herself without the help of a man. She's saying, 'Look out, male-dominated world, here comes me and my shoes.'"

Eating Energy Bars:

"Unlike traditional, phallocentric energy bars, whose chocolate, soy protein, nuts, and granola ignored the special health and nutritional needs of women, their new, female-oriented counterparts like Luna are ideally balanced with a more suitable amount of chocolate, soy protein, nuts, and granola," Klein said. "Proto-feminist pioneers like Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony could never have imagined that female empowerment would one day come in bar form."

Dressing like a slut:'s feminist asserts control over her biological destiny by wearing a baby-doll T-shirt with the word "Hoochie" spelled in glitter.

"Don't tell this bitch what to do," said Kari Eastley, 24, a participant in the Oberlin study and, according to one of her T-shirts, a "Slut Goddess." "I wear what I want when I want, and no man is going to tell me otherwise. We're talking Pussy Power, baby."

Accessibility to empowerment (this one is real good!):

Klein said empowerment is now accessible to women who were long excluded.

"Not every woman can become a physicist or lobby to stop a foundry from dumping dangerous metals into the creek her children swim in," Klein said. "Although these actions are incredible, they marginalize the majority of women who are unable to, or just don't particularly care to, achieve such things. Fortunately for the less impressive among us, a new strain of feminism has emerged in which mundane activities are championed as proud, bold assertions of independence from oppressive patriarchal hegemony."

This particular piece saves the best line for last...

...You Go Girl!:

Only by lauding every single thing a woman does, no matter how ordinary, can you truly go, girls."


Here's a piece that makes fun of a topic we are all very familiar with...the modern feminist idea that women must achieve success and fulfillment through becoming a wage slave to a corporation rather than having a family and being a homemaker:

Report: Women Increasingly Choosing Dead-End Careers Over Dead-End Relationships

"Technical and repair professions with zero prospects for advancement are no longer viewed solely as the realm of males," Detweiller said. "Women have proved that they are just as adept as men at frittering their lives away in soul-crushing vocations,"...

..."There is nothing that says women can't experience the manifold of crippling defeats life has to offer," said Elizabeth Mooney, a 46-year-old career counselor. "A woman shouldn't feel as though she has to forfeit her chances of raising three disappointing children with a man she doesn't love simply because she chose to squander the best years of her life working as a career counselor."

Though a greater number of women have decided to waste their fleeting youth toiling away in unrewarding jobs, other statistics have shown that a growing faction are embracing the more traditional alternative of slipping quietly into a painless death with a handful of sleeping pills and a bottle of Gordon's gin.

Now that was a much needed dose of humor!

I swear, some of the Onion's editors and writers must be MRA's or MGTOW's....


Anonymous said...

Hi HL,

I came here to post this plug for a project that 3 of us are working on, but reading about your financial pressures has taken some of the bounce out of it. Bummer. Good to see you're still able to see the humour in the little things.

Anyhow, here's that plug:

Open Project: Status of Men Index

An open project is currently developing a 'Status of Men Index', which will be a numerical measure of the status of men in every country. The aim is to rank countries so that men know which is the best with regard to justice, family, work-place, education and other areas of concern to men. Project is scheduled for completion by November 19, 2009 (International Men's Day - Men Are Back).

This would be of value to any of you who are considering emigrating to less male-hostile environments, and give incentives to those countries that take men's significant contribution for granted.

The project is open to anyone who would like to do something for men's rights, however large or small an effort they would like to contribute (this is strictly a volunteering of labour and ideas - no monetary contribution is being sought nor accepted).

The project is currently in its planning stage. A poll is now open for any interested visitor to indicate which particular men's rights issue is most important to them. The results of this poll will be used to determine which factors to consider when devising the Status of Men Index (poll closes July 5).

Polling Site

Project site

NOTE: You don't need to be registered at this site to vote, post commentary or start threads.

Alphadominance said...

Spectacular, thanks for compiling the list, you made my day.

SSG_E said...


I stumbled on you blog quite accidently some weeks ago and I have been reading ever since. This post was hilarious. Sorry to hear about your economic troubles. I am going to Hawaii for vaction next week and will be there for 3 weeks. 1 on Oahu and 2 on the Big Island visiting family. I will be doing my part to help the economy. Do you run a business of some kind? If so I got about 8 cutomers for you coming next week if your interested.

Anonymous said...

I bounced here from Alpha's site. NICE. Stupid, HEY but dont cry to me about "suffering" in Hawaii. Go out and hang at the nude beaches for a day...itll make it all seem better. With or without your clothes, Dave.

mandy said...

Hilarious, thanks!

Sorry to hear about your financial situation.

Maybe you could run for office. Now that being a Congressman is a career where people vote for their own pay raise and not the part time service hardship it was intended and all. (sorry off topic rant, I know!)

But seriously, we need people like you in government, maybe something on a local board or council?

Keoni Galt said...

Thanks SSG for your offer...but I work in a B2B sales company, so I'm afraid your generous offer wouldn't make much of a difference.

Mandy - Run for office? Hell no...I want nothing to do with the game of corruption that is modern American politics.

Anony - believe me, I'm not crying...and I now how fortunate I am to be born and raised here! I'd rather be poor in Hawaii than materialistically "rich" anywhere else!

SSG_E said...

Hawaii is beautiful. I am very impressed. We are having a wonderful time. It really helps that my father-in-law is Hawaiian. Even though he has not lived here for years it seems he knows everyone. He takes us away from the tourist areas and to the real Hawaii that I am simply loving.

azuzuru said...

Hey KG, here's another one from The Onion: "Study Finds Sexism Rampant in Nature." A classic!