Battlestar Vagina

Cylons? These are CYLONS?!?!?!?!!

I remember the orignal Battlestar Galactica TV show when I was only 5 years old...I had a few of their toys and Starbuck was my hero. At that age, I wanted to grow up to become a Starbuck or a Han Solo - a galactic gunslinger-bad ass that took no shit, killed the bad guys and scored the ladies.

So I was a little intrigued to find out that the SciFi channel was gonna re-make the TV series back in 2004...until I read the commentary thread on Vox Popoli in which one of the commenters (I don't remember who, but I always remembered the quote) wrote that long time fans of the original shouldn't bother wasting their time watching "Battlestar Vagina." The new show was basically Hollywood's feminized version where the girls kick ass, the guys are metrosexuals and the show seeks to portray the bad guys in an ambiguous if not sympathetic light.

So I never bothered to record it on my DVR and watch it (DVR is the ONLY way I watch TV anymore...commercial free TV!).

Seems to me that the commenter on Vox's blog was right on the money, because Dirk Benedict, the original Starbuck has recently blogged about the new Battlestar Galactica, entitled: Lt. Starbuck … Lost In Castration.

Once upon a time, in what used to be a far away land called Hollywood (but is now a state of mind and everywhere), a young actor was handed a script and asked to bring to life a character called Starbuck. I am that actor. The script was called “Battlestar Galactica.”

Fortunately, I was young, my imagination fertile and adrenal glands strong, because bringing Starbuck to life was over the dead imaginations of a lot of Network Executives. Every character trait I struggled to give him was met with vigorous resistance. A charming womanizer? The “Suits” (Network Executives) hated it. A cigar (fumerello) smoker? The Suits hated it. A reluctant hero who found humor in the bleakest of situations? The Suits hated it. All this negative feedback convinced me I was on the right track.

That's because the "suits" are either active agents or stooges for the social engineers that seek to propagate the gender war. "Charming womanizer?" Everyone knows you're supposed to worship the female goddess and be a supplicating sycophant ready to serve her every wish and fulfill her every need!

Starbuck was meant to be a lovable rogue. It was best for the show, best for the character and the best that I could do. The Suits didn’t think so. “One more cigar and he’s fired,” they told Glen Larson, the creator of the show. “We want Starbuck to appeal to the female audience for crying out loud.” You see, the Suits knew women were turned off by men who smoked cigars, especially young men. How they “knew” this was never revealed. And they didn’t stop there. “If Dirk doesn’t quit playing every scene with a girl like he wants to get her in bed, he’s fired.” This was, well, it was blatant heterosexuality, treating women like “sex objects.” I thought it was flirting.

Never mind, they wouldn’t have it. I wouldn’t have it any other way, or rather Starbuck wouldn’t. So we persevered, Starbuck and I. The show, as the saying goes, went on and the rest is history for, lo and behold, women from all over the world sent me boxes of cigars, phone numbers, dinner requests, and marriage proposals.

The Suits were not impressed. They would have their way, which is what Suits do best, and after one season of puffing and flirting and gambling, Starbuck, that loveable scoundrel, was indeed fired. Which is to say, “Battlestar Galactica” was cancelled.

Now we see that the "Suits" have simply re-made it to fit the feminized/homosexual agenda...

There was a time, I know I was there, when men were men, women were women and sometimes a cigar was just a good smoke. But 40 years of feminism have taken their toll. The war against masculinity has been won. Everything has turned into its opposite, so that what was once flirting and smoking is now sexual harassment and criminal. And everyone is more lonely and miserable as a result.

Gee, I wonder if Dirk Benedict is a liberal/progressive feminist?

One thing is certain. In the new un-imagined, re-imagined world of “Battlestar Galactica” everything is female driven. The male characters, from Adama on down, are confused, weak and wracked with indecision, while the female characters are decisive, bold, angry as hell, puffing cigars (gasp!) and not about to take it any more.

One can quickly surmise what a problem the original Starbuck created for the re-imaginators. Starbuck was all charm and humor and flirting without an angry bone in his womanizing body. Yes, he was definitely “female driven,” but not in the politically correct ways of Re-imagined Television. What to do, wondered the Re-imaginators? Keep him as he was, with a twinkle in his eye, a stogie in his mouth and a girl in every galaxy? This could not be.

Of course not!

The best minds in the world of un-imagination doubled their intake of Double Soy Latte’s as they gathered in their smoke-free offices to curse the day that this chauvinistic Viper Pilot was allowed to be. But never under-estimate the power of the un-imaginative mind when it encounters an obstacle (character) it subconsciously loathes. ”Re-inspiration” struck. Starbuck would go the way of most men in today’s society. Starbuck would become “Stardoe.”

Perhaps in another 20 years, they'll do another re-make of the re-make, and they'll turn the character into Star-transgendered-buck-doe...

Benedict finishes up his excellent blog post with an indictment of the mass media corporations - implicitly making the point that we do in fact live in an age of deceit, and that the average person's thought process has been programmed by the social engineers of the Fascist Corporatocracy of our Brave New World Order...

For you see, TV shows (and movies) are made and sold according to the same business formula as hamburger franchises. So that it matters not if it is the “best” hamburger, what matters is that you “think” it is the best. And you do “think” it is the best, because you have been told to; because all of your favorite celebrities are seen munching it on TV. The big money is not spent on making the hamburger or the television show, but on the marketing of the hamburger/show. (One 60 second commercial can cost more than it does to film a one-hour episode.) It matters not to Suits if it is Starbuck or Stardoe, if the Cylons are robots or lingerie models, if the show is full of optimism and morality or pessimism and amorality. What matters is that it is marketed well, so that all you people out there in TV land know that you must see this show. And after you see it, you are told that you should like it. That it is new and bold and sleek and sexy and best of all … it is Re-imagined!

So grab a Coke from the fridge (not the Classic Coke, but the re-imagined kind with fewer calories) and send out for a McDonald’s hamburger (the re-imagined one with fewer carbs), and tune in to Stardoe and Cylon #6 (or was it #69?) and Enjoy the Show.

And if you don’t enjoy the show, or the hamburger and coke, it’s not the fault of those re-imaginative technocrats that brought them to you. It is your fault. You and your individual instincts, tastes and judgment — your refusal to let go of the memory of the show that once was. You just don’t know what is good for you. But stay tuned. After another 13 episodes (and millions of dollars of marketing), you will see the light. You, your instincts, your judgment, are wrong. McDonald’s is the best hamburger on the planet, Coca-Cola the best drink, and Stardoe is the best Viper Pilot in the Galaxy.

And “Battlestar Galactica,” contrary to what your memory tells you, never existed before the Re-imagination of 2004.

I disagree. But perhaps, you had to be there.

I'm glad I followed the advice of that now forgotten commenter on Vox's blog...I have not wasted a single second watching Battlestar Vagina.