Of all the articles I've written for the Spearhead, my personal favorite is Avoiding the Fate of the AMC. For those who've not read that article, AMC stands for Average Married Chump.
This is because just about everything contained in that article is based on my own experiences and escape from that sackless state of pathetic beta-tude. I was the Average Married Chump, and I nearly became the divorced and broken chump because of it.
Of course, when I sit back and take stock of my life and the path I have followed, I see some things in a much different perspective than how I did when I was an AMC.
The biggest transformation I've endeavored to undertake is to live my life according to this Hawaiian concept called Pono. Roughly translated, it means righteous. It's become my favorite question I pose to myself when I'm confronted with a situation that requires a choice I have to make with regards to how I react or respond in my interactions with not just my wife, but with all people. What is the path of pono?
I've come to realize the key to this philosophy is total honesty...honesty tempered with discretion of course. As I wrote back in the AMC article for the Spearhead, while quoting Roissy:
* Do NOT be afraid of her emotional state. She is a woman, and emotional instability is simply how she is designed. As Roissy stated so eloquently in his The 16 Commandments of Poon:
You are an oak tree. You will not be manipulated by crying, yelling, lying, head games, sexual withdrawal, jealousy ploys, pity plays, shit tests, hot/cold/hot/cold, disappearing acts, or guilt trips. She will rain and thunder all around you and you will shelter her until her storm passes. She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you. When you have mastery over yourself, you will have mastery over her.
Striving to live an honest existence is one of the keys to self-mastery.
When I was an AMC, I was a liar. A dishonest weasel. I lied all the time. Most all of it was so-called "white lies." And it wasn't just in relation to my wife, but with my peer group, my work-place colleagues and school classmates...everyone.
This was because I lived my life afraid to upset other people. I tried to always find what I mistakenly thought of as the path of least resistance. To use dishonesty to avoid conflict. For instance, if I were invited to participate in something I did not care to, I would scramble for a convenient excuse -- A LIE -- instead of being honest and straightforward and saying, "no thanks, I'm not interested in doing that."
The real problem with that is when you spin webs of deceit, you eventually get tangled up and caught. It is inevitable if your whole social life is based on trying to avoid upsetting people by lying to them. And from the perspective of the woman you are having a relationship with, it is the ultimate respect-killer.
This is the path of beta-ization. You want to be an alpha? Than learn how to live your life with absolute, unapologetic honesty. As I wrote earlier though, being honest doesn't mean you have to tell everyone everything. Circumspect discretion is the easiest means of maintaining a code of living honestly.
One of the reasons why I'm writing this post, is because of an experience I had this past weekend caused me to ruminate extensively on this topic. A long time friend of mine is getting married, and Saturday night was his bachelor party. Several of my married friends attended the event. While we were socializing, I asked one of my friends (who I know is definitely an AMC) if his wife knew that he was at this bachelor party. Since he lives in fear of his wife's emotional state, and she obviously wears the pants in his household, I already knew the answer, but I pursued the line of questioning to try and help him see the error of his ways. He had lied and told her that he was going to a family members house. He was afraid that she would be upset that he was attending a bachelor party with strippers entertaining. I told him he should have been honest with her and came to the bachelor party even if she expressed disapproval and was upset. He looked at me with sheer disbelief and asked if my wife knew where I was.
I laughed and told him my wife knows exactly where I'm at and what I'm doing. He couldn't comprehend having a relationship like that. It's called unapologetic honesty. And my friend? He got away with his lie...until pictures from the party got posted on Facebook and his wife saw him. He's now in the doghouse and going through the hellish torment of being an AMC. The root of his troubles was believing that being dishonest would make things easier for his relationship. By operating out of the fear that his wife would be upset that he wanted to go to our friend's bachelor party, he ended up upsetting her far worse than if he had simply told her the truth and attended the party over her objections. I think he's currently sleeping on the couch.
Take the old axiom to heart - honesty IS the best policy. If you can't be honest about something, than you probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place.