I've been away from blogging for a bit because things for myself have taken a turn for the worse on the economic front. My company has gone out of business and myself and all of my colleagues have been laid off. My occasional foray into blue collar side work to supplement the income has now become my only option to keep the roof over our heads and food in our mouths. I've been working long hours doing hard work, and still sticking to my martial arts training regimen in the evenings. I've been too tired to blog.
That being said, it's Thanksgiving, and I'm grateful that I've still got the opportunity to work. Since the hard times began over 3 years ago, I swore I'd do all I can to avoid going on the dole and signing up for food stamps and other welfare programs I am morally and principally opposed to. I will do whatever it takes to stick to my principle of independence.
Deansdale requested I and a few other bloggers write a piece about "The top 10 things you can do to improve your marriage." I take it this question is based on providing advice for men already married, so things like "carefully pick the right woman" doesn't apply, since you've already made your choice.
I'll do this David Letterman style and countdown from 10 to 1:
10) Read Roissy's entire archives. All of it.
9) Read Athol Kay's blog archives and buy his book.
8) Now that you've read these works, take a hard and honest look at your situation. Face the ugly truth about your issues. Are you an AMC? You can't fix your problems if you don't even recognize what they really are in the first place.
7) Live your life so that you can be 100% honest at all times. This does not mean you have to tell her everything you are thinking or feeling at all times. Discretion and circumspection are the keys to being honest while keeping the peace. Live so that you do not have to ever lie out of fear of upsetting her, or lying to yourself with rationalizations so that you justify behaviors you may do that will hurt or destroy your marriage. When it comes to marriage, honesty is the best policy.
6) Understand the concept of FRAME. Avoid playing into her frame. This is especially important if she ever issues you an ultimatum of any sort. The minute you take her ultimatum at face value and make a choice, you've submitted to her frame and you've lost either way.
5) Learn to recognize when she's "shit testing you" or "fitness testing you."
4) If you've fallen into a pattern of begging her for sex STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY. COLD TURKEY. NEVER, EVER BEG FOR SEXUAL RELATIONS FROM YOUR WIFE, EVER AGAIN.
3) Their are two sorts of relationship patterns men develop with their wives over time, especially if you have children together - a woman's basic nature to act as a mother will begin to apply to you. She will begin to act like a motherly authority to you. You have to be aware of this dynamic and shut it down as soon as she starts to treat you like you're one of her children. Remember this saying, "You are not MY Mother. I have one already. You are my wife."
2) Learn to say No when you have good reason to. Make it stick in the face of resistance and emotional outpouring of anger, sadness and/or tears.
And finally, the number one thing you can do to improve your marriage:
1)Realize that the only person you can change is YOURSELF. You can't change her. You can only change your behaviors, your patterns and your routines and hopefully see if she responds favorably to the changes you effect in yourself.
Finally, for this year, I resolve to avoid any and all partially hydrogenated feed products at my family's Turkey feast. I'll probably indulge in some sugary dessert, but the memory of how shitty I felt for several days last year after eating all the grains and partially-hydrogenated crap should be enough to help me resist temptation.
Happy Thanksgiving to all who read this.
17 comments:
See, this is why you need to blog more often. There's literally years of wisdom in a single post that married guys like me can benefit from. If the blue-collar work doesn't work out, you have a future as a married men's coach.
Excellent Post Keoni, here's hoping that not only your fortunes turn around shortly, but they return better than before.
Praying for you, KG, and for all men, the hard working type in particular. I actually thought about you while watching The Waltons and trying to piece together an article for TC today (and I mean that in a non-stalkerish my-husband-likes-your-site kind of way).
Learn to say no, huh? What if it's tamales in question? Does anyone really lose with tamales?
The last thing you need is advice from me, but I do not view a long-time taxpayer exercising his right to tap into the reservoir he has provided for others for years as a means of temporary relief as "the dole". You paid, you paid a lot. To my way of thinking, it's for working men, and working men on involuntary hiatus should claim it. I hate that you have to reveal so much information in order to collect the benefits that you've paid for all these years, there are privacy and security issues to consider to be sure, but there's absolutely no shame in it. You.have.paid.
Gold. Thanks.
Great stuff on marriage here; also good luck with staying clean on the diet.
So sorry to hear this. Above all, I hope you find stability for you and your family. Your temporary misfortune is your reader's loss, but I trust that in time, you will find a new prosperity and we will all again be able to read your new posts.
Great list. #7 is particularly important...being genuine in your relationships is key.
Also liked #4. Along with begging for sex, a fellow should never ever pay for it either.
Hang in there brother, prayers said for you.
Great advice, but I would add one point to your list : there must absolutely be a credible threat of you either leaving or kicking her out, depending on your circumstances.
If she does not believe this in the dark depths of her entrails, if she thinks she's got you for keeps, she will always end up getting the better of you, however hard you try.
Having read your blog quite often, I'm sure you will come out of these hard times stronger and better. Keep the faith.
#1. All the way!
Hope things work out. Nuff said.
am sorry to hear about the job, HL. Wish you all the best.
About the advice, I'd say unlearning all that brainwashing dished out since we started talking goes 90% of the way.
About your memories on hydrogenated oily poisons.
First memory: Three years ago got bronchitis related to dust allergy and my laziness. did not go away for two weeks so I went to the doc. Got some antibiotics; and even if the bronchitis went away after a ten day regimen, those ten days were pure suffering. Talk about bloody diarrhea and such.
Second memory, a recent one.
I am lazy with dusting the house, so there was dust in the house, but I had no problem, zilch. Then one sunday; after a saturday party at a friend's, including little alcohol, and lots of "healthy vegan food" like whipped cream from oat milk, and milkless butter (took some questioning to get the words margarine out); I went to eat at a local ethnic diner. Lots of food. Almost binged.
The system did not recover from this assault, and for a week I was down, until few days ago; then I got a sore throat.
Realizing what is happening, I cleaned the house, but the throat turned into similar symptoms as the bronchitis three years ago.
I will not take any antibiotic I said to myself.
Since the binge, I had been eating clean, so there was not much to do there,
Took off from work, popped 15.000 ius of vit d every meal (2-3 meal per day), slept 12 hours, ate only food that I made (now am thinking of 100% my way (except the weekend alcohol) till christmas);
The same symptoms that took me ten days to clear three years ago, that took another friend two weeks, another three months (yea, this one is a grain lover); took two nights of 12 hours of sleep with enough tea and vit d, coconut oil, good butter and no processed crap.
The lungs went to crap on wednesday morning, now it is friday afternoon, and I have them running at 95%.
Definitely a placebo effect. Both on the negative effects of the vegan/processed stuff, and the positive effects on what i did to cure.
Placebo, yea.
I am sorry to hear about you losing your job. I hoe you find something (blue or white collar) soon.
I understand it is a very personal decision, but do not see claiming unemployment benefit as a terrible thing. States vary in their procedures and generosity, but I was able to apply online and never had to visit an office. I cannot remember what information I had to provide, but was probably no more than the various government bodies already know (they were able to show my expected benefit based on my earnings before applying). The amount will likely be related to your earnings (i.e., enough to make a dent in your expenses) and may even allow you earn a small amount before losing benefit.
Anyway, the main point of this comment was to wish you luck in your job search not provide "advice" on unemployment "insurance."
Been reading your blog regularly since 2009. Sorry to hear about your difficulties. Hope things work out for you!
Thanks All for the well wishes and prayers!
Learn to say no, huh? What if it's tamales in question? Does anyone really lose with tamales?
Learning to say NO and making it stick does not mean you never say YES again. If tamales are in question, the correct answer here is: Si, Senora!
I do not view a long-time taxpayer exercising his right to tap into the reservoir he has provided for others for years as a means of temporary relief as "the dole".
In terms of unemployment insurance, sure. I'm certainly filing for it. But food stamps and other dependency programs? I'd rather not.
Now, to be clear, if it comes to that versus starving...well duh, I'll get the food stamps. But I could have qualified for them 2 years ago, and have some how managed to avoid starving to this point!
EW - Great list. #7 is particularly important...being genuine in your relationships is key. Yes...it's also equally important to be honest and genuine with YOURSELF too.
Mac - that's true...which is a huge part of Athol's advice. This is only my 10 pt. list I came up with off the top of my head. I could've probably made it a 20 pt. list - which is why 10 & 9 are basically references to Roissy & Athol's blogs and book. Between those two, all the bases get covered.
Finn - interesting. I too have wondered about it. It's been almost 5 years since I changed my diet and stopped eating mass produced, Big Ag FEED. I now find that if I do indulge in some junk food on occasion, I get things like indigestion, feel like crap, and have asthma and allergy attacks. Is it placebo? Or does avoiding that crap for a long period of time make you more sensitive to it when you do eat it...versus a person who is continually consuming it?
Man, you got me thinking about this alot....I think it shall be the topic of my next post.
Default, thanks. I agree with you. As I already wrote in response to the Cottage Child, I am filing for Unemployment. I just don't want to get on the food stamps/section 8 housing programs of the welfare state.
HL, first let me say your blog has been a light in a dark tunnel to both me and the close male friends I have pointed in your direction.I agree with your stand on government support. I personally went through a difficult financial period. It does get better, and once you come out the other side, the sense of pride is irreplaceable. As an earlier commenter noted, you will be fine, you have no aversion to hard work. That my friend is what will get you through. I wish you and your family the best. Keep on keeping on.
Thank you!
This stuff is solid gold, just as I expected :)
Maybe it is time for some of us to get more self-reliant. If the future turns out to be as dark as it looks from here, the more self-reliant you are the more chance you have to have a better life.
In the spirit of old chinese proverbs: maybe losing your job will prove to be a blessing in the long run.
Same here dude. It's been all downhill for the last three years. I'm treading water right now myself but with at least another year of this Obama Bankster bullshit it's going to get real tough. As long as Starbucks doesn't cut off the free WiFi I think I can make it, ha.
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