All Apologies

Game blogger Shark, over at Solve My Girl Problems, wrote a post about What to do if you cheat on your girlfriend.

He makes some great points about apologizing that reminded me of one of the things I figured out after gaining an understanding of this thing we call game: When you know you genuinely did something wrong, and you feel your wife or girlfriend deserves an authentic apology, there are two ways to go about it - one way will damage her attraction for you, and one that won't.

It's all about maintaining your frame, even when you concede you are wrong.

As Shark points out:

If you stand hypnotized with despair and simply retort apologies in different languages, you only back-up her ability to shit test you. It’s hard to explain fully, but whenever you apologize to a girl take notice that she will USE IT as leverage. This isn’t because they are inherently imbued with demonic qualities, it’s because all women have a feminine prerogative to maximize male utility. When a guy apologizes for something, he admits that he was wrong – something that he CANNOT retract. It becomes her free ticket to establishing and reinforcing feminine social conventions like shame and super-monogamy (Oneitis). The more you apologize for cheating, the more you subconsciously reinforce within her mind that SHE WAS RIGHT, YOU WERE WRONG, YOU NEED TO BE PUNISHED, JUSTICE MUST BE DELIVERED, etc.

- THIS IS A COUNTER-INTUITIVE PROCESS. GUYS ASSUME THAT APOLOGIZING CONSISTENTLY LOGICALLY LEADS TO MORE FORGIVENESS. NO… APOLOGIZING CONSISTENTLY ONLY SUBCONSCIOUSLY REINFORCES THE IDEA THAT YOU MADE A MISTAKE AND GIVES HER MORE LEEWAY TO SHIT TEST YOU AND PUT YOU THROUGH HELL.

This theory applies to a lot more than just big issues like cheating.

I'm sure every guy in a long term relationship with a female has encountered the recitation of "the list" of past transgressions for which she has never forgotten.

This is because you're abject apologies have beta-ized you in her eyes, and beta's are contemptible creatures as perceived through the lens of female hypergamy. Admitting your wrongdoings (whatever they may be, from minor transgressions to major, potentially relationship destroying ones) and apologizing profusely for them, is not the path to forgiveness and healing. It's the path to betaization and putting her up on a pedestal for which she is now looking DOWN on you.

If you done wrong, and you feel the need to apologize for it, you need to maintain the alpha frame. If you must say sorry, you must say it without being sorry. In other words, you cannot project abject submission to her anger, even if that anger is justifiable.

Think of it like a firm Father telling his young daughter that he's sorry he cannot take her to the shopping mall like he originally told her he would, because an emergency came up at work. The attitude you should project is "I'm sorry dear, it can't be helped."

If you must apologize, say it once. Say it clearly. Apologize without being apologetic, than never bring it up again...and never, ever ask her for forgiveness. By doing that, you are placing yourself beneath her, and while she may even say she forgives you, she really won't. That act of submission to her anger and pleading for approval will only ensure that you've just added another incident to her list of past transgressions to be wielded on you in the future.

So what to do if you are that guy who always finds himself overwhelmed and on the losing end of arguments once that list of past transgressions comes out?

Many guys when confronted with past transgressions will either apologize again for those admitted wrongs, or get angry and blow up..."I already apologized to you for that! Why can't you let it go?!?!!"

This just makes things worse. Intellectually, on a conscious level, she may even have forgiven you for your actual transgression...but subconsciously she has not forgiven you for a far greater transgression - you beta-ized when you apologized.

So what to do if you're one of these guys that always finds himself losing arguments with your wife or girlfriend because she has the list of past transgressions to wield on you whenever a disagreement turns into an emotionally driven confrontation?

You must simply refuse to discuss it and maintain your frame and keep the argument focused on the topic at hand.

"The past is the past, and I'm not going to waste time going over that again."

Another way to deal with "the list" is to simply end the conversation the moment she brings it up. "This conversation is over." Than remove yourself from her presence.

Do that a few times, and she figures out that "the list" is no longer an effective weapon to use against you in an argument, and she won't use it anymore. The more effective the list of past transgressions is for her in arguing with you, the longer that list is going to continue to grow, contributing to a steady sense of discontent in her view of your relationship.