Tuesday, December 28, 2010
You Cannot Have It All
I bought my Christmas tree two days before Christmas. We didn't decorate it until Christmas Day.
I did all of my Christmas gift shopping on Christmas day -- thanks to secular big-box corporation department stores who's only god is the almighty $$ who were open all day on the 25th.
Instead, I've been helping to sort through the belongings of my friend...and read through almost ten years worth of hand written journal entries and letters documenting his despair, depression and angst. Interspersed amongst his writings, were occasional letters written by his ex-wife and his ex-girlfriends.
The one thing I can say is a common theme on this whole clusterfuck of a tragedy is the notion that all parties involved sought to have everything, and in the end, ended up with nothing but heartache and pain.
My friend was a player before I even knew what that term meant, or even heard of the internet and the entire world of "pickup artists" found online in 2010. He was the guy that always had multiple girlfriends, and he cheated on them all. He was the epitome of a bad boy, rock & roll-lifestyle player. Sex, drugs and rock & roll were his credo, and he lived it to the bitter end.
It was the basis for the beginning of our friendship when I was a young man. He was the older influence...the big brother I never had. He introduced me to the world of hedonism full tilt, and I embraced it in my youth. He was the guy my friends and I all looked up to, because he had a way with the ladies, and we all wanted to be like him in that regard.
Yet, as I grew older, I saw the inevitable dead end such a lifestyle ended up, and changed my path in life to avoid a similar fate. I quit doing drugs and resisted cheating on my girlfriends. I tried to get him to do the same...but he ignored my counsel. Afterall, I was just the little brother who didn't know what he was talking about. He could handle it, he knew what he was doing.
I saw him break many women's hearts...and invariably break his own in the process.
You see, he was a natural player...but a romantic at heart who endlessly searched for his "soul mate." When he managed to score a woman who he decided was "the one" he would invert the alpha player script and go into full-blown, needy beta-sap mode. All of his writings are rife with poetry, love songs and letters to his ex wife and ex-girlfriends...all the women who I can plainly discern, were attracted to the bad boy alpha, than disgusted and turned off by the needy, dependent pedestalizing beta he turned into once he decided she "was the one." The quest for a soul mate caused him to pedestalize any woman he got into a LTR with.
In reading years worth of his writings, I found a pattern to all of his failed relationships. His alpha personality traits involved in seducing women were highly attractive to the women when they first began their relationships. But he eventually fell into a little-boy-dependent on his mommy relationship, killing the 'gina tingles and killing any respect they had for him. Then they would stop having sex with him...so he'd eventually go out and seek casual sex with druggie sluts to relive his blue balls.
You cannot be a PUA and a Father-Husband Patriarch at the same time...living a double life in which lies and dishonesty are required to try and maintain the facade of a "normal" home life while trying to live the sex, drugs, rock and roll nightlife while the wife or girlfriend is at home with the children.
He tried to have it all...and in the end, he lost it all.
Conversely, the women who entered into these relationships knew damn well he was a player. They tried to turn a bad boy player who gave them 'gina tingles into a monogamous husband provider.
They too tried to have it all. His ex-wife was -- no, IS -- a good woman. But her rationalization hamster and basic female solipsism made her rationalize and justify his past transgressions time and time again. Despite the years of lying and cheating, she married him and had children with him, despite his serial cheating and lying to her while they were dating.
She tried to make a player into a husband and father. Eventually, she woke up to the fact that no matter what she did, she was not going to change him. She left him, and I don't blame her for it one bit. He treated her like crap, and she took it for years. But even though a good woman can delude herself into staying in an LTR that is fundamentally dishonest and abusive, once the 'gina tingles are gone, she will eventually ignore the rationalization hamster and leave.
After she left, what followed was years of one night stands, booty calls and friends with benefits combined with multiple failed LTR's with various girlfriends.
But the biggest mistake he made was trying to turn a druggie whore ex-con into a housewife. She moved in with him and they had a couple of kids...and, like all of his previous LTRs, she left him when he became needy and dependent, and she lost her attraction to him, and he cheated, and she found out....
She was hurt. And she wanted to return that hurt the best way she knew how - parental alienation combined with court ordered child support and violating his visitations. He hurt her, so she used their kids as a weapon to hurt him back. He had to pay for his children, yet he couldn't even speak with them. He got laid off of work, but his child support obligations were decided by imputed income.
He no longer saw the point in living. So he became just another statistic.
The biggest lie our Brave New World Order preaches today that leads people astray, is this notion that not only can you have it all...but that you DESERVE to have it all.
This instilled sense of entitlement is the impetus for making people lead impossible lives that end in heartache and pain.
Women, don't try to make the Player into a Father and Husband.
Men, don't try to make the Whore into a Housewife.
You cannot have it all.