Thursday, February 25, 2010

Red-pill Reflections On Blue-pill Delusions


As the old saying goes, hindsight is always 20/20...and after a bit of rumination and introspection, I think this axiom is certainly true. Inspired by the blogging of Alkibiades and Talleyrand and their frequent posts over at Seasons of Tumult and Discord regarding their "red-pill" based observations of interpersonal relationship dynamics in their day-to-day interactions, as well as recalling their experiences from their pasts, I too began to think a lot about my own experiences and of those of the people I've known.

Looking back to my own relationships, and those of relationships of friends and family for which I have an intimate knowledge of their particular dynamics, I now realize that I have a much clearer understanding of why people ended up doing the things they did; why they took certain tracks in life.

When I was a young man in my 20's, I self-identified as a socially-libertine conservative Republican - i.e. basically a small government, anti-liberal - Rush Limbaugh listening - FOXNews watching - Republican voting - pot smoker. I always supported the Libertarian Party platform and candidates...but I used to buy into the lie that I HAD to vote Republican to fight the liberal - socialist Democrats. (8 years of the Dubya-led GOP and his "compassionate conservatism" certainly cured me of that particular notion.)

Nevertheless, one of the ideas I used to accept without reservation was the idea that the two parent family was inviolable - that screwed up people only came from broken households with absentee parental guidance or abusive step-parents...which is of course the right-wing view as promoted by the likes of Rush and Bill O'Reilly et al. So I was always puzzled whenever I thought about a particular family that I knew of. The Father was a retired military man, the mother, an Asian he married while deployed overseas. They married, and moved to Hawaii, and had two children, a girl and a boy. They were both in my peer group and we all hung out amongst the same clique in High School and the first half of my 20's.

The girl was known as 'easy.' Not exactly considered a slut...but she was the penultimate serial monogamy-polyandrist. She dated almost every single guy amongst our social peer group. While she wouldn't have one night stands or cheat on a current boyfriend, it was widely known that all you had to do was ask her out and take her on a single date and you would be getting some until either she broke up with you or you broke it off with her. In a 10 year period (from 15-25 I lost contact with them after that - but eventually connected with her again through facebook.), I would say she "dated" probably 35+ guys. I would say it's not too outrageous to guess the pattern continued in the last decade since I last saw her. The reason why I write about her story is because she dated 3 of my closest friends for extended periods of time (3-6 months...for her, that was extensive.) I saw first hand the relationship arc she went through with each of my friends. Of course I had no understanding at all about the dynamics that played out at the time.

Her younger brother was a definite wild-child, who constantly got into trouble, and eventually dropped out of school. He and I used to hang out occasionally, and would often deal with each other in terms of acquiring our favored smokable herbs. I've spent a bit of time at their house just hanging out with the both of them and I used to wonder how both he and his sister turned out so wild when they had such a stern, disciplinarian-type drill Seargent type of a Father. I often sat there while he lectured one or both of them.

According to my "right-wing" belief system at the time, I thought these kids were some kind of weird anomaly. Two kids from an intact family home, both living wild and self-destructive (but-oh-so-fun) lifestyles.

Now, I do believe I know exactly why they turned out the way they did (and why I too got into so much trouble in my youth).

I now understand that the simple existence of a two parent household, while important, is certainly not the be all-end all of raising children to have successful families of their own and to becoming thoughtful, contributing members of society.

See, I now know that their can be worse situations than single mother households.

Just because parents are not divorced, doesn't really mean that a home can't be broken. Funny, how I used to think to myself about how these two were so screwed up...but I never made the association with my own situation, and why I too embraced a self-destructive lifestyle in my youth.

Looking back with "red-pill" induced clarity, I now understand exactly why these two kids took a path of dysfunction (as I similarly did). Their strict, harsh, disciplinarian father had zero authority in his home. And while the Father would get angry and go into tirades and try to mete out discipline for his children...their mother always intervened, interjected and undermined any sort of authority he tried to assert.

If he grounded them, she would give them permission to go out the minute he left the house.

If he tried to take away their things, she'd give it back to them.

If he cut off their allowance, she'd just give them the money when he wasn't looking.

She spoiled them rotten...and he knew it. And he never stood up to his wife's constant campaign to render his authority meaningless. She wore the proverbial pants.

He'd yell at them, and she'd jump right in and defend them, no matter what.

When the school called because the boy skipped school three days in a row, the father would start to yell at him, and his mother would immediately get in between them defend her son from the Father's wrath. Same thing when he got arrested for possession of cocaine and acid. When he got arrested for reckless endangerment for his crazy driving. No matter what, these kids had no consequences for their behavior...because their mother enabled them and the Father never stood up to her and called her on it. The mother had utter contempt for the Father. I now see this kind of home environment can be just as bad -- if not worse -- for children as a bitter divorce or abandoned by a deadbeat. It was much the same story I went through myself.

Gaining an understanding of this dynamic that they grew up in, I also now realize why the sister was such a serial monogamist - the very minute her boyfriends started "beta-izing," she'd lose all attraction for him, and either dump them, or begin to act so bitchy and aloof, he'd dump her. In essence, every new guy she began dating, was a potential male figure of authority that on a visceral, instinctual level, she needed to respect. As soon as she couldn't respect them anymore, it was over. She was essentially rejecting any male that became contemptible...unconsciously, she just couldn't bear to see herself fall into the same relationship dynamic as her parents.

Now, of course, thanks to facebook, I see that she's a single-mother career woman, turned cougar.

Her brother ended up in jail.

My own home life was a bit different, since religion played a prominent role in my own upbringing...but my mother's contempt for my Beta-provider Father certainly affected myself as well.

I don't think my Mother ever realized how destructive she was to my sibling's and my own personal development. The bitter contempt she expressed for my Father whenever he wasn't around. "YOUR FATHER" spit out in disgust was the daily epithet we heard from her as she complained about him on a regular basis. He could never do anything right. Ever. Oh, he sure tried his hardest. But my Father's church-based, white-night chivalry ideals combined with a supplicating, "what can I do to make you happy" demeanor drove my Mother's innate hypergamous instincts haywire.

The funny thing is that my grandfather was the complete opposite. He was certainly an old school 'player.' Until he died in his late 80's, my grandfather was the kind of man that could easily dominate any conversation in a room. He was a "natural." He also had multiple affairs on my Grandmother when they were dating (supposedly none after they married...but I wouldn't put it past the old goat). I think my Father was raised to be a supplicating Beta by my Grandmother constantly telling him to not be like his own father. She took him to a woman-pedestal-izing "Christian" church when he was a young boy and made sure he would not grow up to be a womanizer like his own Father.

My mother used to tell us that our Grandfather was a "terrible" man. That he was "abusive." What I now understand is that my Mother was observing how my Grandfather used to "neg" my Grandmother, and how he definitively "wore the pants." My Grandfather was a very dominant man and my Grandmother was certainly submissive to him. My mother couldn't stand going to their house for the holidays. It would drive her crazy to see my Grandfather say something like "Where's my dinner woman?!" and my Grandmother would quickly get to cooking in the kitchen.

In my mother's 1960's college indoctrinated mentality, my Grandfather was a chauvinist pig and my Grandmother, an oppressed slave catering to his every whim. It wasn't until I was a grown man and I saw my Grandparents die, that I began to understand that they truly loved each other. My Grandmother respected my Grandfather...and he truly loved her. I'll never forget standing at her hospital bedside, watching my Grandmother grasp my Grandfather's hand and telling him she loved him with all her heart and thanked him for a lifetime together. He was utterly heartbroken when she passed away. This was a complete and total shock to me. I had been brainwashed by my mother to believe that they had a sick, abusive relationship...that what they had was not "love."

Only now do I truly understand exactly who it is that has a sick, abusive relationship.

As a young teen, hearing a daily campaign of revulsion and contempt from my mother directed at my Father destroyed my own self-esteem and my own self-image. If your Father is such a piece of garbage, why than I must be one too. I used to hate my father with a passion...and that hatred also turned onto myself. When I looked in the mirror and saw that face that resembled my Father's, my mother's contempt for that similar face, had programmed me to develop a great deal of contempt for my own reflection in the mirror.

I now realize precisely why I myself embraced a self-destructive lifestyle as a teen and young adult. When it comes to hard drugs, and thrill seeking, reckless and suicidal behavior, I've been there and done that. I didn't care if I lived or died.

As I grew older and gained a real understanding of these things, I also went through a period of hatred for my mother. I've gotten over that now. I've gone through a pendulum of emotions and attitudes - from blaming my Father to blaming my Mother. I'm simply now past blame and recriminations. I've settled on simple acceptance. It is what it is, and I also realize that there are other people that have had far worse upbringings to deal with than what I went through. I now realize that my Mother is not totally to blame for her contempt of my Father...that my Father simply does not understand how his supplicating, "nice-guy" manner of dealing with my Mom is the very reason why she's such a bitchy nag to this very day.

But I thank God I have taken the "red-pill" and see such things clearly now. When my own children grow older, I think I have the knowledge to give them a much better home life than the one I grew up in.

25 comments:

Athol Kay: Married Man Sex Life said...

Great post. It's very difficult to be able to see past the faults of your parents and not repeat them. Well done.

Aaron said...

Several years ago, there was a study that found that children whose fathers were dead or completely out of the picture did worse in life (arrest record, grades, etc.) than the children of intact marriages, which wasn't surprising -- but they also did better than children of divorce who saw both parents.

It's not hard to understand that, in the context of what you're talking about here. If your dad is dead or gone abroad, your mom isn't nagging him in front of you, and she might even help you idolize him, the way Barack Obama's mom taught him to idolize his deadbeat dad. But I've never known a divorced couple who didn't bad-mouth each other in front of their kids and use the kids against each other at least sometimes, even those who made a real effort not to do so. That's probably inevitable, and the kids pick up on it.

It's probably more important that parents be on the same page and not run each other down in front of the kids -- especially the mom running down the dad -- than that they maintain a particular level of strictness.

And of course, to some extent people just are who they are thanks to their genes. That's why we have the term "black sheep": sometimes out of the best homes come screwed up kids, and it probably wasn't anything anyone did, but just who they were from birth.

Grim said...

Great article. Simply outstanding.

Anonymous said...

Great observations.

I need a mangina withdrawal clinic.

Anonymous said...

As a young teen, hearing a daily campaign of revulsion and contempt from my mother directed at my Father destroyed my own self-esteem and my own self-image. If your Father is such a piece of garbage, why than I must be one too. I used to hate my father with a passion...and that hatred also turned onto myself. When I looked in the mirror and saw that face that resembled my Father's, my mother's contempt for that similar face, had programmed me to develop a great deal of contempt for my own reflection in the mirror.

I had precisely the same experience. My mom's constant, near-daily hate directed at my dad destroyed my self-esteem.

The difference was, my parents got divorced when I was 5, and I hadn't seen him since then. Mom was a good hater, though, and kept the anti-man campaign going for over a decade afterward.

And, of course, since he was an alpha - a playa - she stamped as hard as she could on an alpha traits that I displayed. I'm lucky not to be gay at this point.

Krauser said...

"I'll never forget standing at her hospital bedside, watching my Grandmother grasp my Grandfather's hand and telling him she loved him with all her heart and thanked him for a lifetime together. He was utterly heartbroken when she passed away"

Moving words. This is exactly the type of relationship I had with my wife, until she self-destructed under feminism (and my beta-tization). I think it is almost impossible to begin a relationship with a western woman which will, fifty years later, produce a scene as moving as this one.

That is the true evil of feminism - that both men and their women are denied this type of devotion and happiness.

Anonymous said...

Krauser - Do you think that a pattern of beta-ization in a LTR can be reversed, or is it the situation that once a man has been beta-ized, the woman will always see him as a beta, and resist his attempts to re-assert alpha status?

--david

Krauser said...

David,

You are on precisely the right blog to get the answer to this. Yes, you can reverse the tide. Unfortunately for me I left it too late. Dave did it in time.

Anonymous said...

Dave, I also think this post is very thoughtful and powerful. I've copied it and emailed it to one of my sons, and suggested we discuss it.

emarel

Keoni Galt said...

Glad some of you liked this. I think my next Spearhead piece is going to be about LTR "Beta-ization."

Anonymous said...

Keoni Galt:

Can you please email me at thayer.martin1234@gmail.com. I'd like to discuss something with you privately.

david

Keoni Galt said...

Email me at keonigalt@hawaiiandesigns.net

Double Minded Man said...

As a young teen, hearing a daily campaign of revulsion and contempt from my mother directed at my Father destroyed my own self-esteem and my own self-image.

Been there, and still hear the same things on a near daily basis out of my mother's mouth. Its amazing that he puts up with it, tho it sure puts the lie to the myth of the "fragile male ego" that so many men can put up with the same on a daily basis for years and decades

I've gone through a pendulum of emotions and attitudes - from blaming my Father to blaming my Mother. I'm simply now past blame and recriminations. I've settled on simple acceptance.

I am in the trying to find acceptance stage, but def. not there yet.

Amateur Strategist said...

Two things:

Umm, when you helpfully recommended the right intake of food a couple months back, you said "you can't eat too many nuts"... well, are peanuts nuts? I've heard they are technically beans. If they work, great, but this is a potential trap for me.

Second thing, I've had a few friends of mine marry in the last year or two, and though I DON"T want to be the guy who mingles in others affairs, if they're on their last rope and come to me (unlikely, but...) for advice... what are the first steps to unbeta-ization? I think the utmost HARDEST thing for them will be coughing up the blue pill, as they married under those pretenses. A Guide would be handy, if you already made one... well, it's important enough to be on the front page right?

Keoni Galt said...

Peanuts are legumes, not nuts. As legumes, like soybeans, they too have their share of anti-nutrients in them...but nowhere near as bad as soy. This is why so many people have peanut allergies. I say, if you don't appear to be allergic to them, have at it. Just be aware that many peanut butter brands use hydrogenated oils...and try to find organic sources of peanuts, as they are one of the most highly sprayed crops.

As for your married friends...well, my last post at the Spearhead was all about that. I intend to expand on that for my next Spearhead piece next week.

Just click on my Spearhead banner link and the most recent article will be at the top: "How to Avoid the Fate of the AMC."

Hope that helps.

Also, these two posts of mine deal with the same topics:

http://hawaiianlibertarian.blogspot.com/2009/09/relationship-dynamics.html

http://hawaiianlibertarian.blogspot.com/2009/09/game-is-red-pill.html

Anonymous said...

The low-carb diet guys say avoid peanuts. I've been eating a lot of almonds (raw unsalted). Hopefully not "too many"...

Amateur Strategist said...

Thanks!

Double Minded Man said...

I hope you and your loved ones (and property) are all safe! (potential tsunami for those not watching the news)

randian said...

No matter what, these kids had no consequences for their behavior...because their mother enabled them and the Father never stood up to her and called her on it.

I'm curious what the father should have done, especially in today's legal environment. Just about anything he could have done would now be considered abuse, or has feminists and their Democrat enablers busily trying to make it so.

Child custody law basically gives her ownership of both the kids and his income, divorce law gives her ownership of the home and even more of his income, and both have courts and cops at her beck and call to keep him in line. It's obvious why so many guys abandon their kids, which sadly most of the kids will never forgive, if they even deign to listen to their father's reasons for it.

njartist said...

I think my Father was raised to be a supplicating Beta by my Grandmother constantly telling him to not be like his own father. She took him to a woman-pedestal-izing "Christian" church when he was a young boy and made sure he would not grow up to be a womanizer like his own Father.

And there it is. The nice guy is a creation of the mother in revenge to the bad boy father. The mother may select one son to ruin; the others she also drags off to church and ruins them to a certain degree.

I was the nice guy created in revenge by my mother; yet, through Christ, I found my manhood.

John Smith said...

i've done the pendulum of emotions about blame with my parents.....then as an adult your realize this "life" shit is hard. it's not black and white. it's not always clear cut right vs wrong. the shit is gray....gray on a scale so wide it's like the horizon. and for individual decisions....telling which way you're leaning the scale can be virtually impossible sometimes.

Anonymous said...

This post is terrific. Proverbial.

Hermes said...

The nice guy is a creation of the mother in revenge to the bad boy father. The mother may select one son to ruin;

Oh, man, does this ever resonate with me. Growing up, I was the "good" one to my mother, not because I DID anything good, but because I was passive, shy, docile, easy to keep an eye on, and therefore didn't get into trouble. My brother was the "bad" one, because he was rambunctious, loud, assertive, a troublemaker. Whenever she took us shopping, my brother always ran off on his own and got lost, while I clung to her side because I was so FEARFUL. Ergo, I was "good." So I grew up believing that being fearful and timid, and doing nothing, were "good." Fast foward to today: I'm depressed, never married at 33, on the verge of having to quit medical school and thus become a real loser (i.e., six-figure debt and no future,) while my brother is married, likes his job, and has actually given my mother a grandchild--yet, still, to this day in her mind, I am the "good" one and he is the "bad" one!

And my parents stayed married until after I graduated from college. My dad wasn't absent; he just didn't care: he thought raising the kids was "the mother's job." I think the most important role of a father is to wean boys from their mother, who by their nature will only ever care about keeping them "safe," and will do nothing to encourage, and will in fact hinder, their growth into successful adults.

Anonymous said...

"The one common denominator, and the single sure mark of the creep, was that they were all, each and every one of them, in the Know, privy to information denied to ordinary mortals or that other people were simply too stupid to see."
--T.E.D. Klein, "Nadelman's God"

You haven't actually swallowed any pill, unless it's one you bought after responding to penis enlargement spam. You haven't discovered some great truth of how men and women interact or how children are raised; you've just bought into a self-serving convenient explanation made up by men who feel persecuted because they can't get dates or their ex-wife is mean to them.

Do you know what happens to men who whine about misandry while reaping the benefits of an extremely male-friendly society?

They come back as anglerfish.

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/angler

anorthernobserver said...

Excellent post that helps make a lot of "stuff" in my background a lot clearer.

Thanks OP and commenters!