Monday, February 8, 2010

The Married Man's Last Stand

I watched the Superbowl yesterday -- good game. Unlike the rest of the NFL football season, I also watched the commercials. Throughout the 17 week season of the NFL, the large corporations that sponsor the games typically show the same 20 or so commericals over and over again during NFL game broadcasts. Such repetitive exposure to commercialized propaganda used to drive me insane.

But I love watching the NFL so much, I considered a nuisance I had to endure to get my enjoyment out of the spectacle of the human chess match that is professional NFL Football.

But a couple of years ago, I switched to a satellite broadcast company for my TV, shutting off the cable and have enjoyed a level of control over the idiot box I previously didn't think possible....with a 100 hour Digital Video Recorder receiver box, I've discovered the joys of recording all the games I want to watch, and than hitting the "skip forward 30 second" button on my remote. So while watching an NFL game, I can literally watch a 3 and-a-half hour broadcast in almost half the time sans all the commercials.

I've gone this entire season without watching even a single commercial.

But, of course, we all know that the Superbowl commands such a large audience, that advertisers will often pull out all the stops to create commercials that are memorable and humorous. So I do have to say, some of the commercials I saw certainly lived up to their Superbowl billing (not that I'm going to start drinking Bud Light and eat Doritos...but some of their commercials were entertaining)!

And...of course, as many people have noted, like everything else on 21st century idiot box, tell-a-vision programming, there were a fair share of misandrist themes found in many commercials. Jay Hammers offered a quick synopsis with youtube links over at the Spearhead highlighting some of the more egregious offenders.

But one commercial really stood out for me...the Dodge Chargers "Man's Last Stand" commercial.

Here's the transcript of the narrative:

I will get up and walk the dog at 6:30am.
I will eat fruit as a part of my breakfast.
I will shave...I will clean the sink afterI shave.
I will be at work by 8 am...I will sit through 2 hour meetings.
I will say yes when you want me to say yes.
I will be quiet when you don't want to hear me say no.
I will take your call..I will listen to your opinion of my friends.
I will listen to your friends opinions of my friends.
I will be civil to your mother.
I will put the seat down...I will separate the recycling.
I will carry your lip balm.
I will watch your vampire TV shows with you.
I will take your socks off before getting into bed.
I will put my underwear in the basket...

And because I do this...I will drive the car, I want to drive.

My first thought was: "And because of this, you will be driving the car you want to drive...while struggling to put gas in the tank because you have to pay your court ordered alimony and child support payments because your now ex-wife couldn't stand being married to an utterly dominated, spineless, feminized little boy, begging Mommy's permission to do anything.

This is THE primary way in which the typical marriage is now portrayed by 21st century tell-a-vision. PUA game lingo refers to the average, plain guy who can't get laid as an Average Frustrated Chump, or: AFC...well tell-a-vision usually portrays the typical married man as an AMC.

I've gotten into my share of arguments over time with various folks in the Man-o-sphere regarding the topics of marriage..I don't intend to rehash them here. However, I will say, any man that is married or is getting married, you need to understand a basic truth here: any marriage that is modeled after the AMC template as promoted by our mass media culture, is one destined for failure and unhappiness.

Women are hypergamous. That means if she can rule you, she will not respect you. If she can't respect you, she certainly can't lust you. And if she can't lust you...

We all know how that ends up in our Brave New World Order's family court system.

Anyhow, I thought I'd give it a go to see how this commercial would be like if it were based on a Man who understands what HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD means:

You need to start getting up and walking the dog at're starting to look a little wouldn't want to turn into one of those people of walmart cows?!

You will add some fruit to my breakfast that you are cooking...but DON'T overcook the eggs.

I will shave...I will clean the sink after I shave as well as that clump of your hair out of the bathroom drain...because as the MAN, I realize that the nasty, dirty jobs are MY job around here...and while I do all the things you simply cannot bear to do, like haul the garbage, kill the rodents and insects and yes, clean hair clogs out of drains, you should be cooking me some food or washing the dishes and not complaining about how you "Do Everything Around Here!" Because you don't.

I will be at work by 8 am...I will sit through 2 hour meetings. Because I'm the provider, and I will endure whatever it takes to provide for this household.

I will NEVER say yes when you want me to say yes. If you don't like what I have to say, than make me a sandwich.

You will be quiet when I am doing something that has my interest and requires my concentration.

I will take your call...if I feel like it. If not, I'll call you back later.

I will listen to your opinion of my friends...I may or may not agree with you, but you will NOT choose my friends for me.

What was that your friends said about my friends? Don't they have better things to do than gossip about MY friends?

I will be civil to your mother...if she is civil to me. Respect is a two way street. I have no problem being a respectful person in kind.

Put the seat down yourself and quit your it really that big a deal for something that takes no time and almost no effort to put it up or down?

I will separate the recycling...after all, that's all bottles from my beer. I'll separate them and turn them in to the collection center, so I can take the refund and buy more beer. See...I got this recycling thing down pat.

Here...carry your own lip balm...isn't that why you carry a purse with everything but the kitchen sink in it in the first place? In fact, while your at it, here...put this in your purse until I need it.

Watch your vampire TV shows when I'm not around. Better yet, stop watching that garbage. Read a book.

I will wear whatever I want to wear before getting into bed...if you don't like it, you can always take the couch.

I will put my underwear in the basket when I'm good and ready to have my laundry done.

And because I do this...I will drive the car, I want to drive, while you can drive the mini-van I bought for you to take the kids to soccer practice.

Wouldn't it be great to see a commercial like that?


Eumaios said...

Your responses are too defensive. These are better:

You should walk the dog in the morning. You don't want to end up on People of Wal-Mart.

Don't forget to give me fruit in the morning. I've been a little constipated. Remember how I like my eggs, too.

Hey, don't worry about those shower-kitties you've been leaving. I'm collecting them so you can make a doll for the girl.

Honey, I've got one of those two-hour meetings today. You know what that means. Yes, that sheer thingy. NO, you will not be wearing panties. Are you new here?

"Yes" is for women. Let's practice: Take off your pants.

If you don't want to hear me say "no", take off your clothes, or make me a sandwich. Or both. Yeah, both.

Why are you calling me during the day? How do you know I'm not with my mistress? Bet you never thought about that. Is anybody hurt? No? You owe me some naked. Bye.

I will repeat your opinion of my friends to them, and we will share a good laugh.

I will flirt with your friends.

I will ignore your mother and make friends with your father.

I will put the seat down until you're not expecting it.

Recycling is immoral. Seriously, it's economically inefficient. You care about the poor, don't you?

Lip balm. Does it tingle? Yeah, put that on.

I'm cancelling the cable. Buy me a Blue-ray of LOST already.

Wench, your cooking made me gassy. You're going to have to clean the sheets.

I will put my underwear in the basket from across the room, in a perfect arc, pumping my fist and slapping your ass in triumph.

When we're driving in my Malibu, it's easy to get right next to you.

RP-in-TX said...

Hilarious post! The mini-van thing struck home with me. A couple of years ago my wife needed a new car and she wanted a mini-van. I bought her an SUV that I liked. About the mini-van I told her "That damned ugly thing is not sitting in my driveway. If that's what you really want then you can park it up the street."

Turns out she was fine with the SUV.

John Smith said...

as i age, i like to think of not one person doing shit for the other/expectations, but more like, i dunno, the hope that i won't be nagged to death, will get to still have friends....and actually enjoy the time i spend with my sig. other....and above all, not get slapped with divorce papers after having "tried to make it work" for a few years.

Anonymous said...

I will NEVER say yes when you want me to say yes. If you don't like what I have to say, than make me a sandwich.

(lmao) That isn't a commercial-level idea. It's worthy of a movie. And don't skimp on the mayo. Oh yeah, and open me a bottle of Labatt's while you're at it, eh?

You owe me some naked.

Ouch. I would never make her nakedness into a currency. Nice Cake reference though.

Tarl said...

"because I do this...I will drive the car, I want to drive."

Reminds me of the sad tale of my buddy's first post-marriage car. He was all psyched about a sporty two-seat convertible... but SHE didn't like it. Of course they wound up buying the car she wanted. He told me, with a "don't slap me down like I deserve" look on his face, that she'd said he'd get to choose the next car. I limited my response to a skeptical "uh huh".

In short, he did all the groveling shit on the list and he STILL didn't get to drive the car he wants to drive.

They're still married now. She weighs about twice as much as she did back then, and is still calling the shots.

"What was that your friends said about my friends? Was it your totally hot friend who always flirts with me who said that?"

"I will be civil to your mother... because she lives 500 miles away and we never have to see the old hag."

MarkyMark said...

How about this? Don't make a married man's last stand! Better yet, don't get married-problem solved...

Anonymous said...

Don't get married works. But, I also like my Get The Hell Out program; life here is good. When you are young, maybe you can't, but you can be studying the appropriate language, and vacation in your chosen future home for orientation purposes. Thailand; Philippines; Mexico; Colombia are all reasonable choices, though any where they don't speak English is worth a second look if there are advantages for you.

Anonymous age 67

Katy M. said...

Who knew head of the household and complete ass went hand in hand?

Keoni Galt said...

Most certainly, Katy!

Why, if you think about the actual commercial, the total BITCH who "allows" her husband to drive the car for being a subservient, pussy whipped mangina, is most certainly the head of her household!

And she is certainly being a complete ass...