Tuesday, December 4, 2018

War is Hell

War is Hell, and a frivolous divorce is nothing less than total war.

Thought I had written all I had to say on this topic, then I logged on in a rare moment of free time and found a link to one of my older blog posts at another blog called Get Rich Slowly.

After reading the various comments and original post, I tried to leave a comment there. Either it's stuck in moderation or it didn't go through, so I decided to post it here instead of letting it dissappear into the virtual aether of cyberspace:


Interesting to see such an old post of mine get referenced 8 years later on teh Interwebz.

I think I wrote a much more definitive post on Divorce four years later here: Goodbye Blue Sky

The plain truth is this: divorce between parents is almost always a selfish action rationalized and justified with red herring excuses like "I want to be happy!" and "honoring my feelings!" But let's put it bluntly, the plain truth is that in most cases, it simply boils down to one or the other spouse wants to find/has already found a new, more exciting and enticing sex partner.

"She now realizes that her divorce was part of a much larger journey about learning to honor her feelings."

What about honoring her vows? "For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health...blah blah blah." No, honoring "F E E E E L L I I N G G S S S S" is so much more important! This is both literally and figuratively what is so wrong with so much of the world today.

What about honoring her children? What about honoring THEIR feelings above her own?

Some women like the OP here will defend their decision for the rest of their lives...they'll even create a revenue generating website about it to capitalize on the destruction of her family for years to come...but some eventually realize the truth of what they have done to their families. Authoress Nancy Levant (whose book inspired the blog post I referenced here) came to the realization when she saw the effects her own divorce had on her kids lives, as well as all the kids she used to daycare that came from divorce-torn homes.

"Divorced children are fundamentally sad people. They remind me of every Native American I've ever met. There is a deep sadness in their eyes and souls that is visible and profound, that one cannot help but to soulfully cringe knowing what has happened - knowing the generation layers of themselves that have been stripped and stolen away.

 But parents don't consider this in their boredoms. {Instead, they learn to HONOR THEIR FEEEEEEEELLLLLIIIINNNNGGGS!} They don't care enough about their children and what it means to destroy, in total, their entire world. I live with this every day as my children bear the trademark sadness in their eyes. Now I know it's permanent."

Unless there is serious abuse, infidelity or other destructive and truly dangerous behavior, divorce for any other reason is really a selfish decision that hurts everyone involved -- whether they realize it or not -- especially the children.

This may sound chauvinistic and judgemental....because it is. Someone needs to stand up for the children in the face of this total war on the family aided and abetted by the Divorce Industrial Complex that is ruining this country.

Money comes and money goes, and "get rich slowly" is certainly a wise approach to financial management - but some things are far more important than mere $$$. Memories of a happy home life will profoundly affect a child's life in the long run far more than mere wealth accumulation and the affluent lifestyles afforded by it will.

If your home life isn't happy, divorce certainly won't make everyone else happier. Maybe you think to yourself that you'll be "happy" when you go looking for the excitement of new found lust like a giddy teenager again...but it's all illusory. Finding a new sex partner will of course be exciting and intoxicating for a time...new found infatuation is an intense feeling indeed....but at what cost? Because in the end, the ones who really pay it are the children whose family you destroyed to basically satisfy your carnal lust for the temporary excitement of a new sex partner(s).

To anyone who is married with children, before you give in to the temptation of the excitement of new sex, or even contemplate doing a financial spreadsheet analysis of the possible benefits of divorce, think of what it REALLY means to your children above all else.


James said...

Kudos again Keoni, as always your posts are a Must Read. Fortunately that particuliar war has never reached the inner circles of my social contacts. I have 6 brothers and a sister, (Irish Catholic of course) and thankfully all of my brothers and I married good family women. I am nearing my 28th wedding anniversary and all of my brothers have been married longer or almost as long. My sister also married a good family man and they are married over 20 years and have 7 children. Don't anyone mock, those children, my children and my 60 other nieces and nephews will be paying the Social Security benefits of all the unmarried and single women flitting on thru their selfish lives today. Socio sexual hierarchies absolutely play a role in successful marriages, we were all Alpha men and ultimately all final decisions in our households are made by us. Call it The Patriarchy, call it too Traditional, call it whatever you like but it is natural, the men are happy, the women are happy and most importantly, the Children are all happy, well adjusted, contributing to society Young Adults who look back on their childhoods with fond memories. God Bless. More posts please.

White Guy said...

Thank you for posting this, it's a wonderful affirmation of my choice to stick around though this dumpster fire of a marriage that I'm in. My kids may never realize what I've sacrificed for them, but I know and God knows.
To those men that are contemplating ejecting from horrible marriage, just hold fast, you are NOT ALONE. There are lots of us out there suffering, and struggling just like you in the trenches of marriage, trying to build something in this fallen world.

Since I unplugged 3 years ago, I've had every sort of abuse heaped upon me, from verbal to physical, gas-lit on the daily, attempts of parental alienation, almost every boundary violated and many others actions that are beyond the pale. BUT I AM STILL HERE, FIGHTING for myself and my kids.
Is all this drama worth "it"? My hope is that it is. I suffer so the next generation will be better off than me. I am called to love my wife and with it lead my family, I will do this as long as I can draw breath. If she chooses not to follow, that's on her, not me.

What the future holds,I don't know but I will go back to the dust knowing I did all that I could for me and mine.

Stay strong you are not alone.

Shimshon said...

I spoke with my father in law recently on this subject. He had some very potent observations on the subject:

I have very strong feelings about marriage divorce. When I was 14, my parents divorced. Not only did I sit with my mother night-after-night to hear her story for almost a year, but she was devastated because they had a great marriage -- no fights, no arguments, etc. -- then my dad had an affair with her best friend (whom he later married and divorced). Very, very sad. And then, for reasons still unknown to me, my dad took me to the final court hearing, for the interlocutory decree. That was devastating for me to be in court and to listen to witnesses, who testified about the fights -- mental and physical cruelty (reasons for the application for divorce). It was horrible to hear people that I had known my whole life, testify in court. I felt gutted by the realities of life.

Since that time, I learned a very important fact about divorce. They are all the same. Each having the same hatred and hostility, the greed for marriage assets and the deep emotional pain felt on both sides. In fact, I am an expert on divorce. I tell this story because I have been through over 40 different marriage dissolutions, as a [redacted] practice appraiser. No matter how amiable each case begins, they get very nasty, especially once the attorneys get involved. When I interview either spouse, I hear the same story -- over forty times. The same story that I heard from my parents 58 years ago. So, I am not a fan of divorce. I will not perform any future divorce appraisals.

Aphron said...

Good post(s...I read your links).

As society, generally, becomes more and more narcissistic, this trend in only slowing because people are not getting married. Having seen it with family and friends, divorce just creates new problems.

After 25 years of marriage, there have been moments (almost daily moments). When kids' well-being is on the line, we HAVE to set aside our wants and desires. I think this was all a part of the plan to tear apart the family and replace it with the State.

Keep fighting the good fight.

Keoni G said...

Thanks for dropping by and leaving good commentary, guys!

Truth be told, some close friends married for 30+ years in my circle have decided to go to war with each other, and they've sucked me into it despite my best efforts to keep out. It really sucks, and I've grown to really REALLY hate divorce lawyers.

Sad thing is that even though their kids are all grown up and have kids of their own, this divorce is still destroying the family and alienating the kids and now the grand kids are also paying the price.

Shimshon, I think you got it exactly right - "They are all the same. Each having the same hatred and hostility, the greed for marriage assets and the deep emotional pain felt on both sides."

While it effects young kids especially terribly, full grown adult children don't have a picnic either when their parents decide to go to war.

Vespasian said...

I had been thinking of this issue recently, and was reminded of it reading your post. In my thinking I was leaning not so much towards feelings, but towards the notion that divorce comes from the idolization of the self. The idea that "I" am worth so much more than the broken lives, pain and suffering that will follow in the wake of blowing up a marriage, that "I" am worth so much more than those around me, makes divorce a reasonable option.

We live in a culture that idolizes the self. We have not killed God, too many have simply replaced the LORD of all creation with a cheap and broken version; themselves, and it is to this god that they bow down in worship and are willing to sacrifice everything and anyone.

Just my two cents.

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